when metamours don't get along

Emily:With that, we wanted to move briefly into our ad.

No, that doesn't happen as often and said like--. That's pushy, and they're always feeling like they're being coerced or pressured into always doing what the other person wants and not them. Dedeker:What would it be called, like Quip? However, that doesn't necessarily mean that with someone else that experience would be the same.

Do you know what I mean? Are my feelings valid or are they actually just wrapped up in my own personal biases and insecurities?". There's definitely a big backlog of advice out there for handling that thing because it's not always like a smooth transition.

Yes, definitely. Jase:Well, of course, sure. Jase:- or with our partner's family that Emily:A lot of this can pretend to that as well for sure.

I don't understand why they wouldn't like me over this thing or that doesn't seem fair". Dedeker:A part of that listening, still needs to have boundaries in it. We've all been we've all been there in various capacities and playing various roles and all these various dynamics between metamours. . Often used in polyamorous communities. A "dialogue" is not the same as a monologue.

Jase:Related to all of that, and connected to all this is, it's important to take care of yourself, and to prioritize your own mental health and your well-being. It isn't your job to tell them what they can and can't do or who they can or can't date. Because we do have such a long precedence of when you get into a relationship with somebody or when you marry somebody or whatever, you inherit all that person's relationships as well their existing relationships, as well as any new relationships. Was that something that I observed that I have a personal experience with this person like witnessing them or directly experiencing them treating me or someone that I know badly?

I want one." Jase:They're not being respectful to them and to you in the way that they're communicating their feelings, but you can say, again, the boundary is, "I'm not going to be part of this conversation." That it's okay to take time away for yourself to recalibrate and connect to what it is you actually want. They're so focused on how much they don't like this other person or how much they think this other person is the cause of these problems, that they don't realize how much they're hurting you in the process of disliking that person. Definitely. If no ones allowed to have more than one serious partner, theres no need for a word for additional relationships.

The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours.

That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. It's maybe not necessarily based on evidence, not necessarily based on what's actually going on, it's just that maybe I've heard some negative stories and I've continued the story in my head that this person is abusive or manipulative. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/multiamory. For most people, they're like, that's a super unique thing that doesn't really exist anywhere else. Dedeker:You want some out of the box ideas to deepen your current relationships. Hopefully, each of your partners will be able to listen to this episode, maybe recommend this episode to them because them doing their parts in A and D are going to help you out a lot and it's going to help themselves out a lot. That's true. Can you please just figure it out because it's really challenging for me to be in the middle of this.".

I hope you found this helpful that you can go back through and look at these things and see which ones might I be able to do a better job of, or what things could I stop doing that I'm doing or start doing that I'm not but then keep in mind at the end of the day, that you can't control other people, that you can't just magically change the way other people think.

Our theme song is Forms I know I Didby Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. The Paradise drink was added to menus last summer and has received an overwhelmingly positive response from customers since its debut. They will then go, "Well, I'll talk to them about that. Some partners might enjoy meeting Absolutely. I hope we'll get into that a little bit more later. Well, look it up.

You got a lot more practice that this particular issue as well now. It is this really interesting thing where it's like unique and it's also not unique at the same time, this metamour relationship. She loved it. We're going to get to scenario C where you're the person who's in the middle, but is don't let them do it.

They also have a reputation of maybe treating your partner badly in the past. We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. I think we've all had a lot of practice of things also feeling good as well that gives us a good contrast to when things are not feeling so good between metamours and partners. We want to thank you all for going on this journey with us today and talking about all of these ways in which metamours may or may not like you, or you may be stuck in the middle of all of that. My mom saw my Quip and she was like--, Dedeker:I was home for the holidays and my mom saw my Quip and was like, "What's that?

We're going to come in in the night, bundle them up and whisk them away into their new life and everything's going to be okay, we got to rescue them. I guess to some degree we we've talked about it but not fully done an episode on this. I think that's the important thing and asking that question it's not meant to just disregard any other weird feelings you may have about your metamour but understanding that that may be part of what's fueling it. Be considerate of that and be understanding that, your partner is not going to want to hear that from you even if you are having a hard time in these scenarios.

It is really important in these scenarios and we're going to talk about this later as well that you should not be bad mouthing your metamour to your partner. It could be a thing where it's like you're at that party, you saw the way that your metamour behaved and to you, you were like, "They must have some problem with me." It is this really interesting thing where it's like unique and it's also not unique at the same time, this metamour relationship. Maybe try to ask them, "Hey, what's going on here?" Sometimes it's that simple, sometimes it's not that simple.

Openness: Values new experiences and differing points of view. I think what I feel, my opinion of what's most important here when confronting a metamour is to use the first step of NVC which is the stating an observation rather than an interpretation. Bear in mind that direct intervention, I think when we know that someone's in an abusive relationship, it's really easy to feel like, "Okay, we got to sweep in and save them.

I understand your sentiment behind it but I don't think that's going to be very well received? Dedeker:We've touched upon the subject definitely many, many times over the course of many episodes. Emily:This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. Our full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com. It is really important in these scenarios and we're going to talk about this later as well that you should not be bad mouthing your metamour to your partner. I feel like there's levels to this. Emily:Yes, I think that goes a really way. We know it is a fundamental. Then the thing I think that's really interesting about it, and I find this more and more with a lot of things within polyamory and non-monogamy is that we end up with these sorts of relationships in these situations that seem very unique. That's why it can be important to get a third party or get an objective opinion of some kind to talk about what's going on between you and your metamour or like what's going on within you in your dislike of this person.

If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us.

When people do come across the show, reading your review about what this show has meant to you or how this show has helped you, might be the thing that convinces them to give it a try. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. Emily:I think they'd definitely, yes. Or like I mentioned earlier, is it assumptions that I make about what all men or all women are or whomever, all people are like that my partner's dating? Or the mending of it may look like them deciding, we can't have any connection with each other.

If there is something where you're looking for perspective or other advice on this, that's actually a great place to look is because that experience is not new. I can change my plans easily. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that. Jase:Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. Not how did someone else feel in this relationship with them. It is okay to limit your interactions with your metamour.

You don't like dealing with metamours who don't like you, and how to talk to your partners when you're the one stuck in the middle between some metamours who don't get along.

Emily:Often it's just a moment of catharsis for you, whereas like in the big picture, it's not going to be good overall to do that and to be unkind in a way to this decision that your partner is consistently making and still wanting to be with this other person. Jase:Then you've come to the right place.
It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. It's like, "Well, what's wrong with me?" Do you know what I mean? bystander intervention peacemaker observations quick Yes, exactly. It's exploring those, asking those questions, where is this coming from? How do I need to be taking care of myself? Obviously, sometimes it won't. That said, the pair had been friends before Dolores became a Housewife. I think a lot of people get a little parental with their partners sometimes. The first of those questions will be, do I not like this person because I feel like they're smarter, they're funnier, they're prettier, they're sexier or they're somehow better than me. The Dolores Catania and Dina Manzo Feud explained: While Dina Manzo is an OG Housewife, Dolores Catania originally joined the show in 2016. I've definitely found for myself, it can get to this can really cognitively shove that part down and just not even acknowledge that what's going on is I do feel like, "This person is better than me in some way," I don't even let myself entertain that thought because I'm like, oh well, I'm way too much of an evolved poly person to do that. We were so young and innocent back then. If you have some dislike for your metamour for some reason, it really doesn't matter what the reason is, it's really easy to then start to read into things too much or really come up with some interesting subjects for like, otherwise innocuous seeming text messages or to be able to find and see more evidence that your metamour is a bad person, total confirmation bias.

I hope we'll get into that a little bit more later. You can offer some support in that, but ultimately this is their issue to fix, either about themselves or with each other and maybe doing some things to facilitate that could help. That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." This one is big, of not feeling like, "Oh, well--".

Because you can- if you've already pre-formed an opinion about someone, it's very easy for it to just color every other interaction that you have with them.

They seem to get along just fine.

Webdirecteur de recherche uqam; rama foods ontario ca killing; how to clean police outer carrier. I think just another reminder is that if you find yourself caught in this scenario, be compassionate to yourself. If you know that a metamuor is having an issue with you and you don't know how to handle it. I did find some solace in being able to vent to other people.

Emily:I'm assuming we will be by the time this episode airs, but it is a wonderful place in which to talk about things like this that are happening in your life. ", A place to start could just be from a place of, "Hey, I just wanted to reach out so that you have a way to get in touch with me if you need to." I can't be a dick to this person because they are being really understanding of me in this moment and that means something." I went and used our own promo code, tryquip.com/multiamory and I ordered a Quip for my mom for her birthday, which is shortly after Christmas and she got it. I was like, "Yes, of course, I get that. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. Its making me feel that I dont want to be in a relationship with her involvement. Youll become part of an incredible community of open, caring and supportive people who not only work to improve their own lives, but actively help others on their journey. They don't hurt this other person, they hurt me." Well, look it up. What's this really about? I appreciated that he wasn't just like, "Hey, I need this," but still was asking for what he wanted. That means say you're sharing something about how you feel and they go, "I'll try to talk to them about that." Even that, even if you have heard these things, even that's not 100% like, yes, this person is bad. That it's okay to take time away for yourself to recalibrate and connect to what it is you actually want.

We would say that texting is okay but it does limit the face-to-face interaction that you have with this person and a lot of the nuance and subtext that can happen from having a face-to-face conversation can be lost. It is possible for change to occur but it may take time and that's something to be aware of as well, it may be challenging in those moments.

There's definitely a big backlog of advice out there for handling that thing because it's not always like a smooth transition. I don't know. That's what it's good to-- Especially also venting-- I've vented to the two of you but I also been to the people totally removed from the situation. I think there's two parts to this. This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. Woods conceded that each trip to the Masters at his age (47) and with surgeries on both legs and his back over the last decade makes him wonder if it's going to be the last one. Jase:Just to bring us back around the key takeaways from all of this is that it's often their issue and not yours, and that there's things that you can do to keep your own side of the street clean, as an expression that Dedeker likes to use. when metamours don't get along It's easy to get lost in just, "All I'm doing is damage control. Just basically anything that you can do to avoid making your partner into your metamour's representative or their defense attorney. Susan Sullivan, 57, also lived there along with her 37-year-old nephew, James Skaggs. That doesn't mean that it's necessarily like an impossible situation to work through.

Its not that we never do Jase:I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one.

I can change my plans easily. Webmary nolan nashville, tennessee; simon every annastacia palaszczuk; Projetos. Kind of the same caveats that we gave at the beginning, that it's like you really want to avoid trying to make your partner into the middleman or into the mouthpiece or the interpreter or the go-between. Jase:It can definitely be helpful to get that outside opinion. 2 Taurus (April 20-May 20): Leo And Aquarius. I do feel like. Really be mindful of that. Okay, back to metamours. It could be someone like a therapist, it could be a friend who is removed from the situation, doesn't have a stake in the situation but who you trust to be honest with you, even the Patreon group. It's really hard to feel like, you don't want to be like their mom being like this is going to end badly for you. I feel like none of these are like, "Okay, you answer this question and that means your dislike is automatically absolved or resolved or whatever. I thought she rapped. Jase:If this is something that you have struggled with, this is something that comes up a ton in the Patreon group. Now, we've definitely seen a lot of these scenarios where it's like, maybe your metamour is straight-up being hostile toward you or saying hurtful things to you or it's just really not a pleasant interaction or a harmful interaction, if anything. If you're happy with the same old ways of dating--. If they want to talk to me directly they can." If someone has a reputation for treating others badly, I think that then you need to get into some sub-questions, some subcategories of questionof like, "Okay, was that something that I heard from someone else? Our theme song is. It's not an ideal scenario to be in because it can feel very helpless but it doesn't mean that there's nothing that you can do. Dedeker:It's Poly.Land and it's like, if you search for help, I don't like the person that my partner is dating. It's nice to see that and it can be a really helpful thing. Come back to that when you need to have just like my partner decisions with what they do with other people are not about me. When I finally made that realization, that really changed things a lot in my relationship and also just in how in the future and in the present, I've handled that situation.

Webwhen metamours don't get along. The second sign you may struggle to get along with is Capricorn. Also, this isn't your job to fix. Or whatever," she said. Dedeker:It's not a good regular practice. You don't like dealing with metamours who don't like you, and how to talk to your partners when you're the one stuck in the middle between some metamours who don't get along. Whereas for someone else who's much more accommodating or was raised in a culture- a family culture where you don't do that, you don't like strongly advocate for your needs to them. Dedeker:Can I tell you all my Hallmark story about Quip? If you know that people are out there gossiping about you, try to take a high--. The reason why that helps is that it helps us show up higher in search results. Our episodes are edited by Mauricio del Venera.

Emily:We just wanted to thank Page Turner and their blog, Poly Land for this list because it's a great list. What I mean is, rather than feeling like, "Well, they are good at this thing, but I've never really had that much of an interest in or spent that much time on, but like now I've got to be focused on that.

Webwhen metamours don't get along when metamours don't get along. I've definitely found that if you're really struggling with the dislike or if you're really struggling with some of these questions, you really can't quite place your finger on exactly what it is. I'm going to take care of my side of the streets.

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It's a good chance for you to check out like, "Am I actually just having some personal insecurities here or do I really find something fundamentally off about my partner's metamour or my partner's partner". Be so mindful. Absolutely, also, at the end of the day, realize that these two people are adults and therefore, it is ultimately up to them to decide if they want to mend things or not and they may not want to. Webwhen metamours don't get along. With all of this, the last thing we just want to reiterate that it's not about you. The first is to consider rehoming one or more of the cats so each can have the space and attention they need. Emily:Well, I think humanizing people in general is a really good thing to do in a lot of these instances and we've talked about that before. polyamory, polyamorous, anger, relationship help, expression, advice, self-care, communication, polyamory, polyamorous, insecurities, insecure, relationship escalator, humility, attachment theory, codependency, coping mechanisms, therapy. 086 079 7114 [email protected]. You can also ask yourself, does this person have a reputation for treating others badly?

That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." Your metamour is someone who is also dating your partner, but with whom you are not also romantically or sexually involved with.

If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. However, if that's what fixes the scenario, that is something that's worthy of respect also of two people having boundaries, it means that you have to figure out some things logistically.

I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. Things like that. However, I do think there can be some value to expressing to your partners, "Hey, you talking badly about this person, you hating this person, you throwing a fit every time I hang out with this person, those things hurt me. That's what it's good to-- Especially also venting-- I've vented to the two of you but I also been to the people totally removed from the situation. Get Dedeker Winston to write it and you'll be good to go. Why disliking metamours or having metamours dislike you. That said, the pair had been friends before Dolores became a Housewife. Well, of course, sure. I've definitely found for myself, it can get to this can really cognitively shove that part down and just not even acknowledge that what's going on is I do feel like, "This person is better than me in some way," I don't even let myself entertain that thought because I'm like.

That maybe it wouldn't with like a family relationship, but I guess it's what you're saying, Jase.

Emily:For sure, it's shitty to do all around.

Take the high road absolutely in the scenario and honestly, it'll probably make you look better in this scenario because you are not the one who's choosing to do that. If you're stuck in the middle of both of these things, then it is a great place to bounce ideas off of like-minded people and also share like the great things that are happening in your relationship. It's like, "Don't fall into the trap of letting it be you against them. Emily:What we're trying to say is that this episode will have something for everyone, regardless of whether you're in a relationship with multiple metamours or not.

Again, if you want to contribute to our show and then go to patreon.com/multiamory and become a Patreon today. Go, "No, no, please don't actually."

Either your own ones that you do and that you have or your own ones that you've internalized about the way that all men are or all women are or something like that. Okay, done.

Why are you in these relationships in the first place?

Instead of the first message or the first contact from you being like, "Hey, what's the deal? You can order Dedeker's book,The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know about Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Lovebyclicking here.

The second one is going to be, if you can, try to talk to your metamour about this, about this issue that might be happening if you know what the issue is, even if you don't. WebGenerally, relationships between metamours can differ from each other. Dedeker:Well, hopefully by the time this comes out we'll be comfortably past that number. Doing that for us and for this show would be incredibly helpful in growing this community even larger and larger and then also, of course, just sharing it with people being like, "Hey, listen to this show. I appreciated that he wasn't just like, "Hey, I need this," but still was asking for what he wanted. Because let me tell you, there have been so many times with friends actually who have some tiff with somebody where they'll show me a text message and exchange and be like, "Can you believe that they said this?" ", I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. Those are all factors going on and that's so much more of it's about them and not about you, and this one can be hard. That means it can be like, "Hey, I've noticed that the last three times that I've sent you a message on social media, you haven't responded," for instance, or a significant amount of time passes by without a response, or it could be like, "Hey, I noticed last week when we were at that event together, I came up to talk to you and you weren't making eye contact or you would move away." Your partner's decision in who else they date is not a reflection of you. It's going to invalidate any very real concerns that you might have about this other person. I think what Emily brought up, though, that I think is important that it's more about, I need you to figure this out in a way that makes you not treat me badly because of it and not cause trouble in our relationship because of it, whereas I would definitely agree, don't shame or say, you have to get along with this person, or you have to like this person or to try to coerce them into some relationship that they don't want. Have you just broken up with people over it?